...

Now had a glum morning (not your fault. well it kinda is :D)

It's about two years to the month since I hit near rock bottom and had my actual breakdown (after a build up of many more years, which probably started about this time of year in 2008), and it's about a year since I hit actual rock bottom then started climbing back up on a path to recovery. October is, without a doubt, a s**t month for me now that I think about it.

But reason for the follow up post is - and I don't know what your personal situation is - there's probably someone very close to you who you need to open up to. A partner, a parent, a close mate even. And I don't mean 'I'm feeling a bit depressed' opening up. But a 'Sorry I can’t actually cope with any of this' opening up. Something like your OP, but to someone close to you. Because believe me, they are seeing it. They don’t know what to say, but they want to help.

So 2 years ago I rang the GP (after much nagging from wife and lots of 'are you sure you're ok?' from work). First time I’d spoken to anyone about it other than my wife. The only person I actually spoke to about it properly. I was in uncontrollable floods of tears for three hours afterwards with a huge feeling of just sheer relief from having told someone. Quite euphoric in a weird way. I had some magic pills! It was all going to be ok! Did it help? Like f**k. I got stuck on forced sick leave 2 weeks later and binned in the new year. But – it broke the seal on all of the emotions that I had bottled up.

At some point thereafter as my world was falling apart (young family, sole bread winner, huge debts, no job – yelp) I had a proper conversation with my wife about it all and we both got a lot of stuff off our chests. Did that help? Like f**k. I realised it had been affecting me (and how I acted to people) far more than I had ever realised. I was an arse basically. And a problem shared is a problem doubled, sometimes. But – it did make me confront a lot of stuff.

But crucially it also meant I didn’t need to keep a lot of other stuff quiet anymore, and no longer had to try to put a brave face on it or pretend it was all ok. That in itself lifted a huge amount of pressure off me. It let me tackle lots of things I’d been hiding from one by one over the course of the next couple of years. Despite some big set backs along the way (2 steps back to make one step forward etc) I think I’m in an ok place, though LT & KK have f**ked up my financial planning for next year, my employer’s not in the rosiest of health, I’m having to make some of my team redundant, and I’m snapping at the kids again so I’m by no means out of the woods (seriously October: Fuck. Right. Off.).

You’ll be following a different path to me, you’ll be at a different stage in it, might be ahead of me, you’ll need to get through it in different ways. But, I am confident that you will somehow find a way. No-one knows how they do it, but knowing you need to find a way is half the battle. Cliché, but it’s one small step at a time.

I don’t really know why I’m posting this as it’s a bit self-indulgent really, and might be preaching to the choir (or maybe someone else reads and benefits somehow).

I guess the TL:DR is that: Yes I get it. I understand.

But deffo talk to the person closest to you – properly talk. You cannot and must not do this alone or whilst trying to pretend that everything is ok. Because its not ok. But that’s OK.

Posted By: CWC on October 14th 2022 at 12:08:58

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