What jumbo said - also some practical tips to help you keep it together

In a couple of my roles at work (I do some mediation and am a harassment contact officer) I spend time talking to people who are distressed and helping them get on to something practical (nb- she might not be looking for anything more than you're already doing). If you're crying with her it shows that the pair of you already have rapport, so then the next step is trusting that you can use that rapport to help shift her mood (in the same way that you are mirroring her, she will reflect back what you are doing to some extent too, if it's not a jarring transition).

1) when you're listening really concentrate and rather than putting yourself in that situation allow yourself to be really curious about the things she's telling you - almost think of yourself as in interviewer, really getting to the layers underneath what she's saying on the surface. You can do this by picking out important words in what she's just said and repeating them back as a question

"She loved those sugar coated almonds." "He took all the pans but couldn't even boil an egg?" "She was always there for me." "He never lifted a finger around the house."

"Sugar coated almonds?" "not even an egg?" "Always?" "Never?"

The first two give her a window to continue talking in more depth, the second two are if you want to shift the conversation on a bit further and out of the wallowing phase - if there's rapport you can tend to be more blunt/challenging than you'd have thought.

2) Ride the silences - if she stops talking you don't need to fill the space she's left. you can show you've not nodded off by small nods of the head, eye contact, etc.

3) Pick out positive stuff she's said and echo that back to her. Look to reframe (some) negative things when you indirectly refer back to them.

"I don't know what I'll do in the new year."

....(later in the conversation)

"So, the new year is going to be a blank page, a clean start - what sort of things could you do with it?"

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That'll do for now - if you want to read more of the theory there's loads of stuff online about Active Listening, and transactional analysis. Don't get too bogged down in any of it, main thing is just to be there, to listen and to be interested. That stuff is just a framework to help people do those things more effectively.

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Oh, last, last tip - if these things don't come naturally, practice them with other people in less emotionally charged conversations first - that way they start to become muscle memory (and your other friends also get the benefit of you actually paying attention to what they're saying).

Good luck!

Posted By: Cardiff Canary on December 24th 2021 at 09:20:50

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