Mother Nature's Wonders

Yeh I accept that there are animals that do fantastic things. Telly tells us all the bastard time. I'm happy with that - but for the sake of even-handedness, I feel I should point out that some things in Nature are also ball-crunchingly crap.

Yesterday, leaning pensively against the front wall of our factory, moodily smoking a fag and just generally being cooler than all the rest of you, I noticed a snail. It was steadfastly climbing up 'my' wall, with an air of determination. Around knee-height when I saw it, it was kind of nodding its head and leaning further forward from its shell than I've usually noticed - you could almost hear it panting with the exertion.

Where the f**k was it going? Well, upwards, basically. This was when the Nature-is-often-crap notion first settled upon me. It occurred to me that when this slimy f**ker got to about nine feet from the ground it was going to have to negotiate a major overhang or crawl all the bastard way back down again.

Today, in similarly moody pose while smoking another fag, I glanced upwards and saw that Snaily had reached the aforementioned overhang and had just stopped, and possibly died. What a dick.

The moral of the story is Don't Believe the Attenborough Hype. Nature is 35% wondrous and 65% s**te.

While on the subject - Ray Mears. A string of televison series that allow us to see how Crap People get by, and teach us how to do things we won't ever need or want to do. Other series in the same vein have cropped up on the back of him.

"I spent four weeks living among the Wofgonial-Pai'ea people and found them to be brain-foggingly w**k".

Discuss. Actually, don't bother.

Posted By: Suggy on October 5th 2005 at 21:01:23

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