Lambert slipped down half a bumcheek on his inflateable armchair.

The remote was still out of reach, and the DVD had finished. The looping title music was beginning to irritate him, but he just couldn't be bothered to move.
However the last of the Hamlets was in reach, so he grabbed at it and sparked it up with the "I heart Weed & Smiley Face" lighter that was also happily within touching distance. He puffed on his cigarello and thought about the good times; the stolen Mondays on Yarmouth seafront with Karsa and the twins from the ticket office, the Friday nights down Sprowston Manor with the Croftdog and Wes, a bottle of Malibu and a family pack of air-horns.

The smoke of nostaglia filled his lungs and heart and ears. Just what the hot f**k was he doing in this town? His 'A' plan had failed. His 'B' plan had failed. Plan 'C' wasn't even a plan, just one of those mad ideas that come to you late at night, when you're tired and full of food, and you think "Yeah, tomorrow I'll walk in all like "BERTTTCH PAW! KA-POW-POW", I'll show them, I'll f**king show them all!" But you don't because you're not a character in a film and this is real life with real consequences.

Unable to make Braveheart play again on his telly by using his sheer willpower, Paul sighed and exhaled through his nose for a full eleven seconds during which a tiny leak of wee came out the end of his hassle pipe. He looked down at his jogging bottoms, a tell-tale blotch spreading unstoppably out like gegenpressing forwards on a lumbering centre half. Paul stubbed the cigar into the base of the chair, and as it began its slow, pitiful deflation and the Braveheart DVD title music swelled and rose on its 28th lap, he threw back his head and roared "FREEDOM", whilst allowing his bladder to fully empty.

Posted By: MIKEWALKER on February 5th 2019 at 12:56:33

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