THE FOXTROT REPORT (Or: Why Do I Keep Fucking Coming Here?)

Where better to spend a cold, wet Tuesday night than the beautiful concrete walkways of Southampton? After so many classic encounters between the two sides ? the 4-4 draw in 1989 (complete with Robert Rosario?s one moment of greatness), the 5-4 defeat in 1994, settled by Ullathorne?s own goal, the 2005 relegation battle (one of the best matches in Premiership history) and City?s unforgettable 4-3 win over the Saints in 1938, I wanted to see every minute played between the two sides.

And so to St. Mary?s ? perhaps the most catastrophic of all the identikit new stadia built in the Murdoch era. It?s actually one of the better new grounds, design-wise, but the small pitch and claustrophobic feel of The Dell was one of the main factors in Southampton?s top-flight survival, and since their relegation they have been lumbered with a ground they can?t fill, or afford to maintain or staff properly. (Oh, and every time I've been there, we've lost. Even when Greeno 'saved' a penalty.)

Here?s how buying a ticket on the gate works at 23 of the 24 Championship clubs:

AWAY FAN: I?d like a match ticket please.
HOME TICKET DUDE/DUDETTE: That?s ?26 please.*
AWAY FAN: Bargain!

And here?s how it works at Southampton:

AWAY FAN #1: Why are there home fans in the away fans? queue?
AWAY FAN #2: Why isn?t anyone selling tickets on the turnstiles?
HOME FAN #1: I don?t know, I thought selling EVERYONE would pay for these things.
AWAY FAN #3: Arse, that?s kick-off!
HOME FAN #2: Don?t worry, you?re not missing anything.
HOME FAN #3: Just don?t pay with a credit card, for the love of God!
AWAY FAN #1: Finally! Hello, I?d like a buy a ticket please.
TICKET DUDE/DUDETTE: What?s a ticket?
AWAY FAN #1: Don?t play dumb with me! One away ticket for the football, now!
TICKET DUDE/DUDETTE: What?s a football?
AWAY FAN #2: This shouldn?t be this difficult!
AWAY FAN #1: Can I speak to someone else, please?
HOME FAN #1: Everyone else has been loaned to Denmark.
AWAY FAN #3: Fuckstacks!

Meanwhile, in the Southampton dressing room:

POORTVLIET: Right boys, settle down! We?ve got an exchange student from Sheffield who?s joining us for a few weeks. Say hello to Jordan Robertson, who?s been swapped with Nathan Dyer for a little while. He?s a little nervous as he?s meeting lots of new people, so I want you all to make him welcome.
MILLS: Mr Poortvliet! Bradley Wright-Phillips stole my pencil case!
WRIGHT-PHILLIPS: Grass-arse!
MILLS: Then what are you writing with?
WRIGHT-PHILLIPS: Power Ranger.
DAVIS: I?m too old for this.
POORTVLIET: Look, Kelvin, I?ve told you before ? you?re not moving to a grown-up team until you pass your SATs. What?s 8 times 8?
DAVIS: Umm ? 80?
POORTVLIET: 64!
DAVIS: Balls!
POORTVLIET: Look, just go out and that play that Total Football I keep talking about. If you need any more inspiration I can show you my World Cup runners-up medal again.
PERRY: We?ve seen it enough, and we?re going now. Come on lads.
POORTVLIET: Get back here! Chris, you?re supposed to be their supervisor! The whistle is a signal for me, not for you! Oi!

And so the game kicked off, and something may have happened for the next ten minutes or so, but I?ll never know, because I was standing in the freezing cold waiting for someone to perform the hitherto believed easy task of selling me a f**king ticket.

This also meant I had no idea who was playing for either side. As I understood it, we had Marshall in goal, Stefanovic and Omozusi in central defence with Otsemobor on the right, and someone I didn?t recognise at left-back. Then I saw Croft at right-wing, Antoine ?The Lighthouse? Sibierski up front (his head is really shiny, isn?t it?), and OJ Koroma at what looked like left-wing. Russell would be easier to recognise if he re-grew his hair and wore his little green gloves, and Fotheringham would be easier to recognise if he played like he did last season, but eventually I realised that we had actually put out some sort of central midfield. I didn?t know who was playing for Southampton, and frankly, I didn?t want to know.

At that point, Norwich played well. Croft in particular looked confident, frequently beating one or more defenders and whipping in dangerous crosses. His best, on 18 minutes, found The Lighthouse, who powered a header on target, which No SAT Davis tipped on to the post: it flew agonisingly across goal and was cleared, but soon another Croft cross ended up with Bertrams (as several people in the crowd called him) volleying just wide.

It was then that I realised that Bertrams was on the left wing, and OJ was supposed to be up front. On my first trip to St. Mary?s in 2005, Jim Brennan had the same problem: caught between left-back, where he?d rather play, and a striker (Hucks, of course!) who kept veering out left. Someone told me it was Grounds who was at left-back, too, so at least I knew the team.

Koroma gradually got into the game and crossed well for Croft, whose shot was saved, but then Saints broke. Surman found li?l Jordan Robertson, who ran at the Norwich defence as the entire crowd asked themselves who the f**k he was.

NORWICH DEFENDER #1: You take him.
NORWICH DEFENDER #2: Why should I take him? I don?t even play for Norwich!
NORWICH DEFENDER #1: Neither do I!
NORWICH DEFENDER #3: He?s just scored, you idiots!
NORWICH DEFENDER #1: He?s done very well for a small child.
NORWICH FANS: How long will it take to get our money back?

Saints rallied after the goal and soon after they had another chance, again breaking down the right.

NORWICH DEFENDER #1: You take him.
NORWICH DEFENDER #2: Why should I take him? I don?t even play for Norwich!
NORWICH DEFENDER #1: Neither do I!
NORWICH DEFENDER #3: He?s hit the bar! Do you people never learn?

So Norwich, having dominated the bits of the first half that I was actually able to see, went in at half-time lucky not to be 2-0 down. Luckily, Glenn Roeder had been listening in to Poortvliet?s team talk, and was able to pick up a few things from a man who played under the great Rinus Michels.

ROEDER: Whack it at Sibbo.
EVERYONE: Yes boss.

To be fair, Norwich started the second half well: Russell narrowly missed a dangerous ball that The Lighthouse flicked on from another Koroma cross, and then the referee hauled Croft up for a non-foul after he stole metaphorical candy from a literal baby and closed on goal.

Then hard-working Koroma, suddenly looking a real prospect, made a brilliant chance for himself, taking the ball from a Saints defender and beating several men before freezing in front of goal, making Davis? life in the one-on-one far too easy. From the corner, the Gambian looked certain to score from close range, but again Davis kept it out, the scum bastard.

Immediately, Southampton broke, and Adam Lallana ? apparently the best of Saints? post-Bale and Walcott crop ? fell off his tricycle inside the Norwich area, which Dejan Stefanovic adjudged to have put a pebble under one of the wheels, or something. The referee blew up, and Saints had a penalty.

STEFANOVIC: With Respect, kind sir, I don?t believe that was an unfair challenge.
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBY: I consider it a penalty, I?m afraid, and it?s my game.
STEFANOVIC: Bollocks, you cheating f**k! Why don?t you stick some more gerbils up your rectum, you donkey-ramming c***?
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBY: Red card!
ROEDER: Dejan, why have you been sent off?
STEFANOVIC: I?ve no idea.

Anyway, David ?Eddie? McGoldrick scored the penalty and without their most experienced defender, Norwich never looked like getting back into the game. Yielding to the demand of the one bloke next to me who insisted that Roeder unfold his arms and make a change, he took off Koroma ? an odd choice, as he?d provided most of Norwich?s cutting edge in the second half ? and brought on Arturo Lupoli, who didn?t link as well with The Lighthouse as might have been hoped.

Now it was all Saints, with numerous chances cleared off the line or put just wide, and a game that City could have won easily with better finishing ended up in a comfortable home win. Not as bad a performance as the scoreline suggested, but the failure to land a permanent out-and-out striker over the summer still looks problematic, and I couldn?t help wondering what impact Huckerby might have made from the bench with the score at 1-0 ? his replacement, Wes Hoolahan, finally came on for Croft (rather than Bertrams, caught in no man?s land for much of the game) with six minutes to go.

RATINGS

David Marshall ? 8. Made some very good (and occasionally spectacular) saves.
Jon Otsemobor ? 4. Needed a shot up the arse.
Jonathan Grounds ? 6. Solid enough, although didn?t close down Robertson or Wright-Phillips in the first half for Saints? best chances.
Dejan Stefanovic ? 6. Made some good tackles and seemed to hold the defence together. Sorely missed after the stupid sending-off.
Elliot Omozusi ? 5. Unremarkable.
Mark Fotheringham ? 4. Virtually anonymous throughout, sadly.
Lee Croft ? 8. Dangerous throughout ? looks fitter than at any point in his Norwich career, and his crossing has really come on. Worked very hard.
Darel Russell ? 5. Got forward once or twice, but looked exhausted.
Antoine Sibierski ? 7. Won several headers, and made a nuisance of himself, but struggled to get into goalscoring positions.
OJ Koroma ? 7. Quick and hard-working, he really improved as the game went on. If he learns to finish he?ll be a real asset.
Ryan Bertrams ? 4. Never really looked happy with playing on the wing.

Arturo Lupoli ? 5. Unable to get into the game, coming on with City on the back foot.
Jamie Cureton/Wes Hoolahan ? N/A.

* ?50 for QPR, obviously. It?s a unique experience.

Posted By: Ottosson Foxtrot, Oct 1, 10:35:38