Bashing the pundit

The Good, The Bad And Fat Sam

It must be a hard life being a football pundit. You loaf around, issue assorted proclamations about a game, then retire to the BBC/ITV hospitality area to quaff fine wines and caviar. Probably.

The least one could expect is some decent analysis from these fortunate souls, but these days we rarely even get that bare minumum from most of the gadding layabouts clogging up our TV screens.

So, because we have nothing better to do and so you don't have to, Mediawatch analyses the analysts and tells you who has been naughty, and who has been nice.

The Good
Gary Neville - Look, we aren't proud of this, and when we're done typing we're off to scrub ourselves with wire wool and turps, but once you get past the voice and the moustache (although Luca Toni made that look slightly less ridiculous), and the fact that it's The Neviller, he has actually been OK. Whereas some others we would care to mention (and we will) shrug and say things like 'For me, Fernando Torres is a good player', The Neviller really does offer some decent insight, which is sort of the point of having former players on the panel.

Matt Smith - Smith's relegation to the matches that nobody cares about is criminal, especially when Steve Rider pops up in his place for the big games. Presumably having lured him from the BBC, ITV are desperate to make the most of Rider, shunting him out to the F1 coverage as well, but if they're not careful they could lose Smith's easy manner and genuine knowledge.

Martin O'Neill - Makes this list on entertainment value alone, and the nagging feeling that he would really rather be somewhere else. He's one of those people that you suspect doesn't have that filter between brain and mouth, and thus verbalises every ludicrous thought. Should be given a contract for life with the BBC for his encounter with Robbie Williams in 1998.

Danny Baker - It's an indication of just how loudly the barrel is being scraped that Baker makes it on to a list of pundits, but he has made 5Live's 606 actually listenable. Mostly due to the fact that he encourages callers to talk about esoteric stories associated with the game, rather than just blarting 'I fink Cesc is well good, innit'. Sadly, when the domestic season comes around again we'll be stuck back with DJ Spoony, Tim Lovejoy and (shudder) Alan Green, who will spend the entire show cutting people off and moaning about the cold.

The Bad
Motty And Lawro - Oh this list could go on for some while, so we'll stick to the very worst stinking turds in the waterpipe. It's important to put these two together, because if you trawl back through the mists of time, Motson was actually a decent commentator. Sort of like a slightly eccentric and bookish uncle, but since his sidekick and life partner has been installed beside him, he sounds like a man on day release.

Alan Shearer - Shearer is the very worst kind of pundit, in that he offers exactly nothing, other than a big name (and big something else as well, as his rather-too-snug trousers often distressingly reveal). No insight, no analysis beyond ill-informed opinion, and even less personality. We only hope someone is dumb enough to give him a managerial post soon, just so he doesn't darken our TV screens ever again.

David Pleat - Now, Pleat is an easy target, but that's never put Mediawatch off having a pop. Some say that if you can get past his malapropisms (sample from the Spain v Russia match: 'Terry Sheddingham') and mispronunciations, there is some genuine knowledge somewhere there, and reading his column in The Guardian it's pretty clearly there. The trouble is, to be a decent TV analyst you have to be able to clearly verbalise your thoughts. This is something David Pleat cannot do.

Peter Drury - Drury's screeching, hilariously-contrived links are the stuff of which nightmares are made. You can imagine him spending hours and hours crafting pun-filled intros, then sitting back with a delighted look on his face. His homo-erotic obsession with Joachim Loew and his tight white shirt is also a little troubling.

Fat Sam - His face. His voice. His personality. His opinions. Everything, but everything is offensive.

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Posted By: blindasabat, Jun 27, 13:04:46