Some jokes to cheer up the suicidals amongst us.

A history teacher asks a class full of kids "What was Churchill
famous for?"
A kid at the back shouts out "He was the last f**king white man to
be called Winston!"

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?
The McCartneys

But really we shouldn't make fun of macca. After all will he ever
find another woman to fill her shoe?

Women eh!
Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction,
colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits,
eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs
waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take it up the arse cause
it 'hurts'.

Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could
fly a plane......

A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says "Show me
it's true what they say about black men"... So he stabbed her and
nicked her purse.

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at
him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father
of one of my kids" she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and
says "Fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on my stag do, whilst
your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No" she replies "I'm your son's English teacher!"

What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.

Bride on her wedding night says to her husband "I must confess
darling, I was a hooker!".
He says "That's alright, dear. Your past is your past, but I must
admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it".

She replies "Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!".

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees sister rose washing
the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the
ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in.
"SISTER ROSE!!!" she roars "Have some respect. Arch your back girl
and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"

A man says to his wife "tell me something that will make me happy
and sad at the same time".
His wife replies "You've got a bigger dick than your brother"

Posted By: mike_the_sphinx, Feb 13, 09:40:17