The Fiver Christmas Awards 2007

Barry Glendenning and Scott Murray
Thursday December 20, 2007
Guardian Unlimited

Welcome to the eighth Fiver Christmas Awards. Or is it the ninth? Oh, we don't know, but while you wait outside in the rain watching scantily-clad soapstars get out of cars, we'll get on with the fun.

THE MEMORIAL MATT LORENZO IN A DALLAS BUNKER AWARD FOR MOST HOPELESS ACT OF BUFFOONERY

You might as well fill in his name yourself: ______-Choice ________. Put that umbrella down, man, we can see you've gone bald already.

THE GORDON BROWN AWARD FOR MOST HOPELESS PROMOTION OF A NO2 TO A SENIOR POSITION

Second-Choice Steve just edges out Sammy Lee, who at least enjoyed one day in the job without looking like a dead man walking.

THE FLOYD MAYWEATHER AWARD FOR ONE-TWO OF THE YEAR

John Motson: "Say something, Mark!"
Mark Lawrenson: "I can't!"

Motty and Lawro are finally lost for words when it becomes apparent that Croatia are going to knock England out of the race to qualify for Euro 2008. Can it stay like this, please? Forever?

TEAM OF THE YEAR

Croatia, for saving the Fiver from a summer of Wags, flags and having to dream up new riffs (OK, having to recycle endless old riffs) with which to lampoon the deluded jingoism of England's manager, players, fans and media-cheerleaders before their inevitable elimination on penalties from the Euro 2008 finals.

THE WOMEN'S WORLD CUP AWARD FOR GOALKEEPING CLANGER OF THE YEAR

Although the Fiver has consistently backed Paul Robinson for this award, we've decided to hand it to Scott Carson on the basis of some mistakes he made in training yesterday.

THE JOHN DARWIN AWARD

$tevie Mbe, for going missing in any Premier League match in which Liverpool came up against any other team from the Big Four, or any England game against Croatia.

COMEBACK OF THE YEAR

England's Brave John Terry, who sat out the draw-or-bust Euro 2008 qualifier against Croatia with knee knack, only to line up for Chelsea's crunch Premier League match against Derby a mere three days later.

THE SECOND-CHOICE STEVE MEMORIAL AWARD FOR TACTICAL INSIGHT

Cheery Republic of Ireland chancer Stan "Except His Name Isn't Stan, Is It, It's Steve" Staunton, who suggested that San Marino were hard to break down, despite the principality side having shipped 20 goals in their previous two matches. Although in fairness, Staunton did do his level best to prove his point, by fielding a side containing nine one-legged circus performers and Kevin Kilbane, who had to wait until the fourth minute of injury-time to score their winner.

PLAYER OF THE YEAR

James McFadden only played 17.38 seconds for Everton during the calendar year, yet was still sharp enough to bang one in against France from 648 yards. The ball went past Mickael Landreau, into the net and nestled in the throat of Thierry Henry, where it crammed down the words "wait", "until", "they", "come", "Paris" and "to". Of course, back-knack permitting Henry will be playing at Euro 2008 while McFadden will be sat at home listening to The Proclaimers, but you've got to take your amusement while you can get it.

THE NORN IRON ONE-NIL AWARD FOR PLUCKY UNDERDOGS OF THE YEAR

Norn Iron One-Nil and their 247-goal striker David Healy have, just as in Euro 2008 qualifying, been pipped to the post - this time by the England women's team, who over-achieved by reaching the quarter-finals of the World Cup before going out with barely a whimp ... hold on, where have we heard this befo ... ah yeah, that'll be it. Still, at least the women manage to occasionally pass the ball to each other, eh? Oh.

THE JOEY BARTON AWARD FOR SERVICES TO FOOTBALL LITERATURE

"This is my first book, and I hope it's a success and maybe wins some new fans over to the most important subject in the world. In fact, I hope it turns out like Razor Ruddock's underpants: HUGE! Yours in football, Timothy P Lovejoy," wrote former Soccer AM host Timothy P Lovejoy in the preface of this monument to one man's smug, vacuous, ill-informed, ego-fuelled vanity. Like the average Fiver, then, but 287 pages longer and with a lot more name-dropping.

THE TIMOTHY P LOVEJOY AWARD FOR EXCEPTIONAL AMUSEMENT

The burglars who continue to do their bit to reinforce lazy regional stereotypes by breaking into the houses of various Liverpool players whenever they're pencilled in to play away from home in Europe. The current tally of victims: six. And counting.

THE MARK THOMAS AWARD FOR MOST POINTLESS DEMONSTRATION AGAINST "THE MAN"

The 1,000 or so Liverpool fans who organised a 200m "march" from a pub they would have been drinking in anyway to a football stadium they were going to anyway, in a demonstration of support for their beleagu ... sorry, bemused manager Rafael Benitez.

THE JOSE MOURINHO AWARD FOR FLICKING THE Vs

While his supporters embarked on their protest meander, Benitez was actually addressing the problem in hand. Responding to tightwad owners George Gillett and Tom Hicks's order to keep his neb out of transfer policy, Rafa announced he was simply focused on training and coaching his team, focused on training and coaching his team, focused on training and coaching his team, focused on training and coaching his team, focused on training and coaching his team, focused on training and coaching his team, focused on training and coaching his team, and focused on training and coaching his team. Then he rocked up to the Newcastle game wearing not a suit but a trackie for the first time in his Anfield career. The first international protest made through the medium of bespoke tailoring, it was needlessly petulant posturing of the highest order. And therefore worthy of our utmost respect.

THE BRUCE LEE AWARD FOR BEST BRAWL

The players and coaches of China Under-23s and QPR, whose training-ground "friendly" was abandoned when players staged an impromptu re-enactment of the Kill Bill scene where Uma Thurman took on the Crazy 88, but with QPR assistant manager Richard Hill playing the role of The Bride. The kumate ended with the police being called, Xian Chanba defender Zheng Tao being carted away in an ambulance, unconscious, with a broken jaw, and seven Chinese players being sent home in disgrace. Whether this was because of the fight, or because QPR were winning 2-1 at the time the Great Brawl kicked off remains unclear.

THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK AWARD FOR BEST EXCUSE OFFERED BY A FOOTBALLER

In third place, Stephen Ireland. The Manchester City midfielder with the Superman smalls was excused from international duty after telling Republic of Ireland officials that his grandmother had died. When it became apparent that this was untrue, he revealed that it had been a case of mistaken identity and that a different grandmother had passed away. Once this story was exposed as a fib, he managed the impressive feat of pulling a third dead grandmother out of the hat. She too turned out to be very much alive.

The runner-up is Chris Coleman. The Real Sociedad manager missed a morning press conference because he was hung over after an evening on the lash at a student disco, but blamed his absence on a web of deception involving a broken washing machine that unravelled quicker than Supergran trying to sort out her knitting.

But the winner by some distance is Bryan Robson. After his Sheffield United side lost 3-0 to Stoke, Robbo answered his critics by saying: "I thought the lads looked lively and confident before the first goal went in." What he didn't mention was that the first goal went in within 90 seconds.

MIRACLE-WORKING GOD OF THE YEAR

Gary Megson's Mr 15%. You'd think Megson's serial failure as a manager, not to mention his reputation for being able to start fights with his own reflection would render him unemployable. Nevertheless, that didn't stop him landing a job with Leicester City, which he soon jacked in to take over at Bolton. A local newspaper poll revealed that only 1.7% of Trotters' fans wanted him at their club, but this suspiciously high percentage in Megson's favour has since been put down to Leicester City fans hijacking the vote.

THE LESLIE GRANTHAM AWARD FOR BEST ACTOR

Despite the absence of a co-star, England and Aston Villa midfielder Ashley Young showed his excellence in the tackle by bravely taking matters in hand to get to grips with a hands-on role, earning himself gushing reviews, a tabloid splash and ... [OK, you can stop now - Euphemism Ed]

THE HARRY HOUDINI AWARD FOR GREATEST ESCAPE

West Ham, who escaped a points deduction for breaching Premier League rules that would almost certainly have resulted in their relegation because it was too late in the season and "would have been unfair on their fans". Moves to let 85th-minute Lucas Neill penalty-area lunges go unpunished by referees continue apace, because it's too late in the game and would also be unfair on the fans.

THE GARTH CROOKS, IF I CAN PUT IT TO YOU LIKE THIS, AWARD FOR, IF YOU WILL, FAILURE TO ASK THE BIG, AS IT WERE, QUESTIONS

Sven-Goran Eriksson. If you were entering into business with a man whose time as Thailand's prime minister was described by independent NGO Human Rights Watch as "characterised by numerous extrajudicial executions, 'disappearances,' illegal abductions, arbitrary detentions, torture and other mistreatment of persons in detention, and attacks on media freedoms," would you think twice? Sven didn't. For more details on Thaksin's freestyle interpretation of the word "justice" click here and here. Oh, and here. Unless he's sent some heavies round to censor your access to free speech.

BET OF THE YEAR

The over 2.5 goals market in any match involving Sevilla. Like the lead singer of Fine Young Cannibals handing out flyers to his latest gig, it's the Gift that keeps on giving.

THE VIV NICHOLSON AWARD FOR SERVICES TO SHOPPING

Glen Johnson and Ben May popped down to their local B&Q and tried to steal some taps. And a toilet seat. Oh Glen! Oh Ben! Where's the dignity?

THE FATHER DOUGAL MAGUIRE AWARD FOR KEEPING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE

Turkish lawyer Baris Kaska, who took legal action against Internazionale after they wore shirts with a red cross for their Big Cup tie against Fenerbahce. According to Kaska, the "Crusader style" shirts were "offensive to Muslim sensibilities" as they symbolised "Western r@cist superiority over Islam" and were worn as an act of provocation. No matter that Inter have been gadding about in the shirts for months, and that Fenerbahce play in the same colours as Inter, necessitating a change.

AND FINALLY, THE SIDESHOW BOB WILSON AWARD FOR AUTOCUE-READING

Angus Scott and his pals at Setanta, for unveiling a new look in sports presenting. While Richard Keys et al over on Sky sit like starched showroom dummies in their fusty bank-manager suits, the Setanta crew, possibly influenced by swarthy wannabe Steve McManaman, usually sport paisley shirts and three-decade throwback jazz suits with lapels wider than some sections of the M25. It's like something out of Abigail's Party, or the Cheese and Wine men from Modern Toss. Supremely funky, the only way Sky can up the stakes is if Keys moves it on by rocking up in a red Larry Blackmon codpiece.

Posted By: Arizona Bay, Dec 20, 16:02:44