Orange for a head gag (thebigfeller version)

A man, in a style befitting a usual joke situation, enters a bar and sits down. He orders his drink (a vodka and tonic) with the Bar man, and settles down on his three legged stool. Turning around, he looks for the usual assortment of closet alcoholics, but notices that the bar is virtually empty except for a solitary figure in the corner. Much to the man's surpise, the figure appears to have an orange for a head.
'Who on Earth is that, with an orange for a head?' asks the man, slightly bemused by the weird and wonderful sight.
'Oh that's Jimmy' replied the bar man 'you should talk to him, he's very interesting, but he gets a bit lonely. I'm sure he'll love to chat.'
The man got off his stool and walked over to the corner booth, where Jimmy was sitting.
'I'm sorry, can I join you?' said the man.
Jimmy responded in the affirmative, and our hero sits down, placing his tall drink on a cardboard beer mat. The two get to talking, until the conversation is naturally steered to the strange scenario of Jimmy's head.
'I'm sorry, I know you must get this all the time, but I can't help noticing you have an orange for a head. How on Earth did you get such a strange kopf?'
'Oh' said Jimmy 'that is a tale of woe, one of heart break and multiple riches. What seemed like a sweet scenario eventually ended in this strange fruity tragedy and a crushing sense of despair.'
'Please tell me the tale, I can't help but be intrigued by this.'
Jimmy sets out on his bizarre tale.
"Three years ago, I moved into a strange old Georgian house. I bought it in a police auction, so all of the furniture was still in there, a wonderful mix of old Chippendale's and William Morris patterns. I loved the house, with its old style and antique furnishings, so I gradually settled in and made it my own. I read daily in the library, absorbing the writings of Dr Johnson and William Blake, but one day when I was tired of this, I noticed the attic. I quickly realised I had never ventured up there, so I went downstairs and got the ladder, so that I could do a quick exploration of this new setting. I went up to the trap door, and slowly lifted up, a small shower of dust and loft insulation covering my shoulders. I climbed through the small opening, and into this darkened world.
Up there i found many strange things. I saw a drinks cabinet shaped like a globe, a coat of armour that beared the Heradic seal of the Duke of Northumberland and several old paintings, some of which were the long lost works of Raphael. However, the primary part of my attention was devoted to a strange old arabian seal. Its dull glimmer was covered by a large amount of dust, so I gave it a quick wipe in order to look at its golden countenance. What occured next was both shocking, yet also strangely predictable, as we all know that Genies live in these lamps. This we learnt from Arabian Nights. Anyway, with a loud pop, and a certain amount of smoke, a strangely translucent figure emerged through the spout of this piece. He wore only trouders and a turban, and seemed thoroughly stereotypical. When he spoke, however, he wasn't as he had a thick cockney accent. I won't attempt this voice, as it would sound horrndously immature, but its worth remembering this fact.
"Oh cheers mate" said the ethereal figure "I've been stuck in this lamp for many years now, and it was getting a bit boring. In the terms of my service, I will give you three wishes. You have as long as you want to think of them, but remember, I can only grant you three, and a wish for more wishes voids this contract. Can I help you now with anything now?"
"Oh yes" I said, as I was motivated by greed "I would dearly love eternal riches."
"Granted" said the genie, and filled my bank account with more money than I could ever imagine. With it I bought cars and women, I bought a small island state in the Carribean, to which I took my Georgian manor brick by brick. I bought power in the UN, and cancelled the Third World Debt. I was a philanthropist to end all philanthropists, beating Bill Gates' records and butting Bob Geldof to shame.
I soon, however, realised that I was growing older by the second, and that all of my science labs could cure diseases and symptoms, but never death. So, I rubbed my lamp to ask the genie my second wish.
"Genie" i stated, "for my second wish I would dearly love to be immortal and unharmable, set for ever at this virile age of 27."
"granted" he said, and disappeared back into the lamp. In order to test my new found power, I went immediately to the main road of Jimmyland, my country and stepped off the kerb. I was almost immediately hit by a truck, but got up unscathed. "This is great" I thought, and tested my new immortality by starting numerous extreme sports as a hobby. I canoed over the Niagara Falls, went base jumping without a parachute and did some snake wrestling in the Andes.

This was all brilliant until I got a short letter, Marked 'By Hand' to my Georgian Mansion. "Dear Jimmy," it read. "The contract period of your third wish will end at midnight today, so you must use it. Please come to the attic soon. All the best, Gene Genie."
I wondered briefly whether Gene was eponymous to the David Bowie song, but then realised with a dull panic that my last wish was nearly void. I ran upstairs, it being 11.56, and rubbed the lamp (which I moved to my bedroom for ease of use). Gene came out, and I panicked. I don't know why, but I did. I blurted out the first thing that came into my head.'
'What was it' said the man in the bar, wanting the end of this bizarre tale.
'Well thats the thing, and I don't know what was going through my mind, or even if it was Freudian. But, all i could say was: "Gene, I really want an oversized Orange for a head"'

Posted By: blindasabat, Dec 19, 17:12:23