U.N. Concerned Over Plummeting Terrorist Life Expectancies

The U.N. issued a "stern warning" yesterday to the United States over falling terrorist life expectancies, according to U.N. insiders. The warning was the result of a U.N. study that showed the average terrorist
has a life expectancy of 26.3 years, nearly ten years younger than the pre-9/11 era. Before the U.S. launched the war on terror, a terrorist could expect to live 35.8 years. Asked if a ten-year reduction of a terrorist's lifespan was acceptable, U.N. General Secretary Kofi Annan said, "Hell, no." An anonymous U.N. official said "human rights" should be a priority to
everyone on the planet, not just cultivated, decadent Westerners. "A terrorist has rights, too," the official said. "Just because he wants to kill as many people as possible in the most spectacularly violent manner
possible doesn't mean he shouldn't be guaranteed the best human rights possible." The U.N. also said it would look to increase the terrorist life expectancy
by 3.7 years by 2010, giving terrorists "a full 30 years of life." Terrorists also "don't typically have health insurance," the U.N. said, and it may fall upon the shoulders of wealthy nations to "help pick up the tab."

"If there's anything left of a terrorist after an encounter with the U.S. military," another U.N. official said, "the gentleman usually requires extended hospital care. Right now, these terrorists are slipping through the cracks, not getting proper care.and that reeks of social injustice." "It reeks of something," was President Bush's only reply to the news.

Posted By: Tomblander, Jul 17, 18:06:06