Toss off some pancetta...

...in three litres of your worst extra slutty olive oil, then whip the whites of 132 plovers' eggs to stiff peaks before carefully placing your new phone in the whipped eggwhites. Then slide the eggwhites and phone into the oil and pancetta. Rip up three handfuls of basil, tear over two sprigs of thyme, scrunch up some sage and kick the s**t out of the cat. Simmer fiercely for four hours before putting a slug and two small snails on the top arranged to look like a man's crown jewels - you little tiger!

Then find a schoolchild and fart into their satchel.

Posted By: Jamie Oliver, Mar 26, 14:31:50