Funny piece in t'Guardian today about different types of football fan - which one are you?

Here's what I reckon ...

Corrections and Clarifications [Steve in Holland, pants, Arganth, CB41]

"Actually, mate, I think you'll find it's four defeats in six matches, not five. Actually, the goal difference is currently -7, which is one better than United's. Actually, he wasn't playing at right-back in that game because Ouija was injured and S?ance was suspended, so he was utilised on the left of central midfield. Actually, he was signed for ?1.78m, not ?1.77m. Actually, he's Moldovan, not Russian. Actually, my parents were married when I was conceived. Actually, I think you'll find they use butterfly grips to seal a cut like this, not stitches."

The Explainer [FP, Tomblander, Otto, InTheAbsenceofaHorse]

"No, Jake, he looked as if he were offside but he wasn't because he was inactive. It means not active. Yes, I know he was running but I don't mean active in that sense. Well, I mean active in the sense of being active in a football sense, obviously. Look, let's say my glove is the player with the ball and my mobile is the ball then . . . Give me your Mars bar. I'm not going to eat it. All right then: YES, I promise. Satisfied? Look, we didn't come here for chocolate. We came here for football. Well, if that's your attitude, young man . . . So, look, the glove slots the mobile through to the Mars and this programme is the defender and . . . Was that a goal? Who scored? Oh, for heaven's sake, have your bloody Mars bar."

The Die-Hard [SCC, LOJ, selwyn, IED, Brandonio, NCFC4life]

"SING YOUR HEARTS OUT . . . Come on you lot, get behind the team. It's like a bloody morgue in here. Where's your passion? The boys need our support. Relegation dogfight, Smithy under pressure, we've got to show we're behind them. We've got to . . . tackle him Kite, you tosser. Get stuck in Poz, or are you frightened of breaking a bloody eyelash? Shift it Monga, you're worse than s**te in a swimming pool. Christ on a bike Wilson, our cat could have saved that and she died last year. Twenty-four quid to watch this crap, I must be bloody mental. YOU'RE NOT FIT TO WEAR THE SHIRT WE WANT SMITHY OUT I SAID WE WANT SMITHY OUT."

The Penitent [Old Git, Partial Angler, Small, EoM]

"It's never been the same since they abolished the maximum wage . . . I don't know what they're cheering that for, he's barely struck it from 35 yards . . . They wouldn't be singing his name if they'd seen George Gizzard play . . . Bertram Chunk, now he was a footballer . . . He's not fit to lace Goddard Stump's rupture appliance, yon fella . . . They should put them down a pit for a week, then they'd know what pressure was . . . When you think of how Cliff Triffid carried on battling away in midfield even though he was in an iron lung, they make you laugh, this lot . . . They're all pathetic . . . All right, I've suffered enough. I'm off. See you in a fortnight."

Seeing the Bigger Picture [Iwan Husarmi, pants again, Arizona Bay, blindasabat]

"Well, it's very tight, isn't it? I mean, we're 14th but, if we lose by two clear goals today, Wanderers and City don't get beat, United pick up the points at home and one of the bottom three scrapes a win, then we're in the drop zone. Whereas if we can avoid defeat, Town get gubbed and any of the front runners stumble, then we're a couple of results away from the play-offs. Mind you, there's no guarantee that Athletic won't pull something out of the hat and then it only takes City to pick up three points, Wanderers to score twice and not lose and . . . did we just score? That's good because, if it stays like this and the result at East Road goes our way . . .

The Simple Planner [snowman, mbk, Dave in France, Haiyrbobbingmanass]

"Where's our width? Where is our bloody width? We've no bloody width, look. Get wide! Get wide! Where is your bloody width, Rovers? We're like a bunch of grapes. Use the width of the pitch. The width. The width. Where's our bloody width? Afternoon, Bob. How many minutes till kick-off now?"

Mr Hands Free [Tricky Hawes, Brom, XXL16, Pixelman, conker]

"Can you hear us? Where are you? West Stand? I'm in the North Stand. Top left about three rows down. Can you see us? I'm wearing that Hackett sweatshirt. Can you see us? I'm waving. Can you see us now? I'm stood on my seat. Can you see us now? I'm jumping up and down on the seat and waving both arms. Can you see us now? I'm in the North Stand, top left, wearing a Hackett sweatshirt, I'm waving both arms and two stewards are escorting me down the steps. Can you . . . Bollocks, the signal's gone."

Posted By: Old Git, Nov 17, 09:06:55