There are no spare coins

As a fully UEFA qualified Footballing Attire Professional, I carefully calculate the precise coinage required prior to our official visits to the laundrette.

When I've completed my UEFA Footballing Attire Management Professional badge, I will be qualified to operate this heavy and complex piece of machinery; in the meantime I am taking expert instruction in the proper placement of articles in the machines, the correct selection of temperature based on extent of soiling and fastness of colours, personal player preference for fabric conditioner (I can exclusively reveal that new signing Lee Croft is a Comfort Pure man, while old boy Dean Ashton had a strong preference for the Fairy), effects of atmospheric humidity, the position of Mars with regard to Sagittarius and Uranus, and how many machines are free.

Posted By: Assistant Kit Man, Aug 8, 14:52:30