Take some lightly toasted pine nuts dipped in honey or golden syrup

leave them on a little plate on the floor. The ants will be attracted but unable to escape.

Then, in a pan, toss off some pancetta, three lugs plus two dribbles of the worst olive oil you can find, a few bits of woodchip and a couple of nettle flowers. Then add a squirrel's scrotum, your ant, honey and pine kernel mixture, a good rub of garlic, a fumble of sorrel and an apology of athlete's foot or shaved veruca top. Squeeze a large spot in for a bit of extra texture at this point if you fancy it.

Then take the whole lot, bin it, ring your local takeaway and have a chicken jalfrezi instead plus enough lager to pass out. If anyone tries to bum you while you're asleep the chilli should burn their bell end off.

Posted By: Jamie Oliver, Jul 24, 19:01:50