From the BBC Archives

BARKER: ...and that means we can cross live to the preliminary round of the national croquet championship, where cloth-capped ferret-botherer John Prescott is up against unknown spurtsman Andrew Hughes. Commentating are John Motson and Graeme Le Saux.

MOTSON: Thank you Sue, and you join us right at the start of this match, with Prescott placing his mallet between both cheeks and giving his balls a good swing

(thwack)

MOTSON: Oooh, close there from Prescott

LE SAUX: I really don't think that colour suits him at all, and the cut of that jacket - awful!

MOTSON: Errrm, thanks Graeme, up now is Hughes...

LE SAUX: That's much more like it, you can see quite clearly the lean, defined musculature bulging through an off-sorece, well I'd almost call it a slip, nicely coordinated with his cap and socks

MOTSON: Great, thanks Graeme, Hughes is now sizing up his shot, he seems to be having some trouble keeping his balls where he wants them

LE SAUX: Me too

MOTSON: Graeme, that's not the microphone. Leave it alone

LE SAUX: Sorry

MOTSON: Hughes has smashed that ball about two hundred yards at approximately sixty five degrees off the correct line

LE SAUX: Sixty five, that's SO last year, this year EVERYONE's doing sixty-eight and can you lend me one?

MOTSON: Shut up, Graeme...hang on...Hughes has started to run...what's going on....where did that tiger come from....

LE SAUX: No, I've never been one for a big pussy either

Posted By: Partial Angler, May 30, 15:13:01