Toss off some pancetta

then bung it in the bin and fill a f**king saute pan almost to the brim with your fifth best cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil. Cover the base of the pan with some f**king prunes and leave overnight to soak up some of the oil. Then bash over a good handful of squished up All Bran - no you dirty f**ker, don't use the hand you've just had a w**k with, well not without washing anyway - dice a couple of f**king birds eye chillis and bung them in too with some freshly toasted coriander seeds, some cumin powder, some f**king turmeric, a grated knob of ginger and half a head of f**king garlic. Stick the lot in a blender and add a pint of Theakston's Old Peculier, well any strong real ale will do really, and a good amount of green food dye. Bizz the whizz, add no fizz, down the lot in one.

Wait 36 hours until the urge to evacuate your bowels is really strong, then take a load of turmeric powder, mix in some f**king mustard - no not Colmans the quisling c**ts any other brand but not Colmans - add a good sized sliver of really rancid lard, some carefully curated Maldon extra-sea salt, grate over some f**king Parmesan and add a couple of worms from the garden. All in a mug, bish bash bosh, down in one.

Give it about two minutes, et voila. Green Diarrhoea and Yellow Vomit.

Would you, could you, in a boat? Would you, could you with a goat?

Posted By: Jamie Oliver, Feb 1, 21:00:54