FOOD REVIEW: Half a Small M&S Christmas Cake

On the morning of the 22nd of Jan' 2018 I walked into the kitchen and noticed half of a small Christmas cake. I woke-up my wife so that she could make my breakfast and then I immediately opened a public enquiry as to where this cake had appeared from.

Apparently, a relative had received the cake from their neighbour, and then the relative had given the cake to us. It was a half-eaten third-hand Christmas cake.

I inspected the packaging and noticed that it was an M&S cake. I thought 'It's M&S so surely it can't be that bad, I'll give it a go even-though I don't really like Christmas cake'.

On top of the half-cake was part of a pattern. I'm not sure what the whole pattern would have looked like. However, previous owners of the cake will know what it had looked like before they had eaten some of it and gave away the rest. The icing was covered in tiny particles of gold glitter. I thought 'That'll make my s**ts look pretty'.

However, I have an aversion to marzipan that goes back to my early school days. I had been bullied because I had thought 'Tarzan' was called 'Tarzipan'. Kids used to shout "Tarzipan Marzipan' at me. Even Jane used to shout it at me. As a result, marzipan makes me feel sad.

I carefully cut the marzipan away from the small half-cake. The sticky dried fruit contents slowly oozed towards me like volcanic lava from a rabbits arse.

Over and over I constantly repeated to myself 'It can't be that bad cos it's M&S'.

I nervously consumed a mouthful. The Christmas cake tasted just like... Christmas cake.

Posted By: Larry Hagman, Jan 22, 12:50:16