My Alternative Restaurant Reviews............. .....

Hickman, Benedicts etc. I have never been to them because they seem really boring unless you like boiled dog rectum with gravel gravy served on a roof tile made on an exotic island in immediate danger of being discovered by tourists. Yellow snow dessert included in the set menu though, so not all bad.

Trattoria Rustica - went there once many, many years ago. It was terrible. Pasta in the shape of bows covered in a suspicious looking pink sauce that looked to be squirted from the back of a salmon. It cost about 0.001% of a house I had bought.

The meal was supposed to be a birthday treat and thank goodness that they didn't know else the chefs might have emerged with a half-baked Alaska stuffed with sparklers, and encouraging people that I don't know to sing 'happy birthday' to me.

Upon leaving the building I had wanted to seem grateful to the other-half for taking me there but I couldn't do it because I'm too honest.

Namaste - really fantastic pakora starters and the mains are more like home-cooked food than typical Indian restaurants.

Beforehand I had been advised by people who had recommended it "You must have a dosa". I was shocked to discover a dosa was just a rolled-up pancake with a bit of curry in it.

There was way too much salt in the food for my liking. Upon leaving I was given a cookbook for free because they seemed to think I should become a Buddhist... despite me having tons of hair, raising concerns about the lack of alcohol in the beer, and not owning any orange clothing.

The next time I went there my wife complained for ages about about her very high heels rubbing on her feet. I pointed out that I had suggested a different restaurant so that she didn't have to walk so far in them, at which point she walked out... no doubt aggravating her feet even-more than necessary in the process. The bonus was that I got to eat two meals and in peace and quiet.

However, the massive salt intake then kicked-in so I urgently needed to find a pub before going home to apologise; despite having done nothing wrong other than trying to be considerate. Once I arrived home she then became even more sorry than me, so it became a competitive battle of who could be the more sorry. I let her win.

B'nou - years ago I liked the sandwich shop that used to be in that building. I used to buy giant egg mayo and cress baps every Tuesday and Thursday at about 11:30am.

East Twenty Six - went there once but it was full and long wait for a table cos we hadn't booked so went elsewhere. We went up St Benedicts and had fish tacos. That isn't a euphemism.

Woolf & Social - I went to that building one weekend to experience an omelette made with coleslaw and soy sauce that is supposed to be a Japanese-style food but it was closed and seems to have changed hands since.

No. 33 - had a coffee there once. There was so much bunting and perfect looking cakes that it felt like a re-creation of a village fete with plastic cakes in Disneyland. I had to leave before little tiny cute birds flew in circles around the waitresses head.

Posted By: Larry Hagman, Jan 9, 21:35:30