Toss off some pancetta

Break three free range ultra-cossetted chicken eggs into a bowl - because it really f**king matters how well the eggs have been treated up to the point where you break them into a bowl - sprinkle in some Maldon Sea Salt and two green peppercorns - crushed, not ground - bish bash bosh them around a bit with a fork and add two drops of green food dye.

Melt a nob - yes a f**king nob - of unsalted butter made from milk of highly soothed cows - look, you don't have to give them a f**king massage every ten minutes, just be f**king civil to them, maybe teach them some mindfulness - and as soon as it starts frothing add the eggs. Toss around in the pan until they are half cooked, crumble the pancetta in, toss in half a handful of politely chopped parsley, stir once and serve straight away with a big old hunk of sourdough dripping with salted butter.

Et voila - Green Eggs And Ham.

And not a single lug of your fifth best filthy slut olive oil in sight.

Posted By: Jamie Oliver, Jul 20, 21:36:09