The Tickets Trilogy by Peter Jackson

Into The Scrimmage (15, 219mins): a diverse cast of fengibbons and ideots log in for the first wave of tickets. Virtual interactions reach fever pitch within minutes. Sean Bean dies. Everyone forgets how s**t the trains are when it transpires they may not be running at all. Contains language of a puerile nature, keyboard violence and frankly disappointing sex.

Sloppy Seconds (15, 234mins): the same cast, minus Sean Bean (who's dead), fight against the evil Skynet ticketing system, which has become staggeringly self-unaware. Bucks is banned, again. The internet records the largest volume of "c**ts" per minute since Prime Ministers Questions first went online. Can our heroes blag a second seat, and will they give up their good one they got first time round for their beloved and sit in Tier Five themselves instead? Contains graphic pie eating, adult language and persistent trolling.

I Can Seethe Clearly Now (U, 90 mins, animated). The Skynet ticketing system taunts our heroes with a minimal number of tickets which, bizarrely, come neither with a telescope nor with a WiFi signal good enough to watch the match on Sky on a phone. Who will explode first (not Sean Bean, he's dead)? Contains songs from Frozen.

Posted By: Old Man, May 21, 19:42:55