...

5 - Relaxed. No thoughts of relegation. Blithe attitude. Looking forward to another season in the Prem with Winkelwolf.

4 - Slight discomfort. No real danger but have thoughts of the drop. Finger the league table and other results out of interest on a Monday morning whilst taking a s**t at work.

3 - Awkward. Have regular thoughts and fear of relegation. Sweat during final score. Feel physically sick when we labour to a home draw. Holts attitude, lack of goals and ballooning belly are starting to get on your tits.

2 - Tilt. Constantly worried about relegation. Night sweats. Drinking heavily. Not sleeping well. Obsessive use of the BBC Predictor feeds your anxiety. Totally gone off sex. Not eating well. Smoking like Dot Cotton in a Marlboro factory.

1 - Bedwetter. Full on plot lossage. Total loss of bladder control. Bowels in massive trouble. Constant nightmares of a Tuesday night away trip to some Midlands s**thole in January. Personal hygiene has let go. Hermit like existence.

Posted By: SCC 28, May 6, 15:17:54