Brilliant. (Popery).

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Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher’s shop Yuri is prepare special celebratory pie for visit of Pope to UK. Though it is made of yak, look like yak and taste like yak, Yuri say it venison.

There plenty debate in shop. Yesterday Mad Dmitri, who dress like 19th Century Hussar, live in park and wash in canal denounce Pope Benedict. Dmitri of course is committed Orthodox worshipper. He has never forgiven Catholic Church for sack of Constantinople in 1204 and for mess with wording of Creed. “How can Holy Spirit proceed from father AND FROM SON?” he scream, incomprehensible. “Pope is Antichrist! No better than Napoleon, worse even than Stalin!” He storm out of shop.

But local egghead Student Arkady smile and say “Dmitri right to compare Pope to Stalin. But comparison show strength of both Soviet Communism and Church of Rome. [Knowing Arkady has tendency make speeches, I look at assistant Yuri, who sigh and get out vodka. Reader may wish to do same.] Both systems benign theocracy in which end justify means. They promise golden future for mankind. This secure social harmony. Promise of communistical paradise ensure workers put up with harsh 16 hour working day realities of Five Year Plans, overcrowded and insanitary living conditions, crass Soviet architecture, defective wiring, Siberian houses which sink into the permafrost in summer, 30 hours of queuing for single potato, and small matter of gulag system. Catholic system promise eternal life for faithful. Catholics get afterlife reward as compensation for putting up with everything from famine, plague, pestilence, hunger, disability, unjust war, domestic abuse, repressive government, athletes foot, Kafkaesque nightmare of all humanly devised planning applications systems, tooth decay, the Moscow ring road, “Grandma’s House”, Phil Woolas, airport novels, the M25, Babushka Vanka’s poisonous borscht, tickly nasal hairs, Vanessa Feltz, adverts which include words “if you’re a homeowner”, persistent underachievement of overpaid footballers, Michael Bublé, Fox News, Charles Taylor and John Terry. (Of course, doctrine of free will absolve God of any responsibility for defects in His Creation. People essentially choose to live in same world as Goebbels, dandruff, Harvester Pubs, tennis elbow and Frank Lampard. Same way parents in UK make choice of state schools.)

“Catholicism and Stalinist Communism also dictatorial autocracies. This as it should be. Both systems rightly understand democracy, pluralism, freedom, multiculturalism and relativism are all hard work. Fortunately mankind has primordial desire to be enslaved. So both systems doctrinally intolerant and deploy instructive cruelty. Stalin purged left deviationists and then right deviationists in 30s, making extremely strait the paths to salvation. And though in its pursuit of Socialism in One Country from Whose Bourne No Traveller Returns, Vatican no longer do much heretic burning, Crusades or witch-dunking, it very clear who its enemies are. It rightly show benign inhuman insensitivity to deviant threats, such as homosexuals, women priests (and, following St Paul, women in general) or heresiarchs who point out that Jesus was utterly silent on doctrinally seminal Rubber Johnny question. It also still got long list of proscribed books and publications. It clear Pope regard films of Monty Python as greater corrupter of youth than, say, Silvio Berlusconi. High levels of dogmatic control can also prevent abuses. Stalinist system ensure that basic thrust of Communism never be reinterpreted as bourgeois humanitarianism with silly ideas such as sanctity of human life. So prison guards who kind to inmates plainly misunderstand instrumentality of depriving people of liberty, sleep, warmth, comfort and meaning to collective pursuit of earthly paradise and end up in gulag themselves. And Liberation Theologians in South America, who try expose repressive policies of governments in mistaken view that supporting poor in this life is somehow Christian priority, were rightly tick off by previous Pope, supported by current, for failure to understand meaning of Matthew 22:21 and 26:11, and for counterproductive and unnecessary actions. South American dictators often good Catholic traditionalists. So useful to Vatican in this world. And as sinners they will in any case account for their actions in the next, where the poor they have abused will be adequately compensated.”

[I lost Arkady some time around the words Frank Lampard, but the vodka is warming and helps me nod my head as though understand.]

“Supporters of both systems point to great successes: Soviet role in overthrowing Nazism, Catholic charity work, the Stakhanovite struggles of individual labourers in USSR, the small acts of resistance of some German and Austrian Catholics to Hitler. But detractors note downside of dogmatism: the possibility of erroneous doctrines and policy errors. But here they ignore mental flexibility of individuals subjected to totalitarian systems threatening terror in this life or flames in next. Followers of both systems sometimes sense or seem to sense errors and abuses: the Inquisition, the Terror, homophobia, the decision to remove military leadership and purge scientists and technicians just before Second World War, Mother Theresa Vatican-sponsored assertion that wearing condoms is biggest threat to Africa today, the opposition to woman’s right to choose, repudiation of Darwin, systemic anti-Semitism, dekulakisation of countryside, the silence over the death camps...[I increasingly unsure which ideology guilty of which error, Catholicism of Communism]...Vatican collusion with Mussolini, the Molotov/Von Ribbentrop pact, the downgrading of the role of women, the stance on AIDS that makes Thabo Mbeki seem like rationalist, the belief that masturbation is evil ...[Stalin believed that? I wonder]... the equation of ordination of women priests with child abuse, the harassment of Shostakovich... [I never knew the Pope had strong views on Russian 20th Century music!]...the opposition to life-saving stem cell research, as well as the general vulnerability of much of the impedimenta of both systems to the destructive application of observation, rational thought and pragmatic judgement. Of course the faithful see all this. They may even quietly disobey, like Catholic couple using Durex ...[“Why?” I ask. “Does Vatican only have shares in Mates?”]... or adolescent boy agitating his Archbishop over thought of Olivia Hussey playing Mary. They will then feel sense of sin and go to confession – a fine practice since every psychiatrist knows guilt/shame/punishment cycle good for mental health. But they will always attribute their perception of possible error by authorities to own ignorance and failure to understand the mysterious underlying purpose of each system’s dogmas.

“Indeed, this even allow faithful to forgive periodic failure by those who run system to live up to standards they set. Preserving sanctity of system make it essential to keep system’s agents above reproach. So petty venality and corruptions of officials in Stalinist system small price to pay in pursuit of perfect society. So repeated ruler blows to schoolchildren’s face from sociopathic 1950s Christian Brother or nun of the Order of St Clare while screaming mantra of "GOD IS LOVE!!!!!” is small abuse compared with major abuse of upsetting whole system by exposing this behaviour. And if priests, bishops and cardinals sometimes misunderstand true meaning of Luke 18:16 then covering up their actions is as essential for image, survival of Catholic system, as Stalin’s papering over Beria’s fondness for underage girls was for his version of Communism.

“Of course Catholic system ultimately more successful than Communism. Stalin famously mock Vatican by ask how many divisions it have. Even setting aside fact that Pope can call on Heavenly Host at any moment to smite enemies with fire, plagues, pestilence or Ann Widdecombe, Vatican plenty powerful. First it outlast Stalinism by decades. Second, Pope head of historically anomalous Vatican state. As such he enjoy international exemption from prosecution. But Pope also enjoy mystical sense of transnational authority. Not only does position as head of quasi-state of Catholic Church allow him influence destiny of every nation on earth by asking his followers vote, agitate or behave in particular ways. (Not even KGB achieve this global reach.) But it create illusion of his sole jurisdictional control over priests and bishops. This illusion, like doctrine of transubstantiation, depend on Aristotelian distinction between superficial “accident” of what something look like and “substance” of what it really is. [Here I take precautionary swig from third bottle of 80% proof vodka in hope it dull pain Arkady words start cause in my silly head.] Bread may look like bread, but this is superficial accident. Essential substance is body of Christ. Paedophile priestsmay look like they subject to jurisdiction of country they live in. But this is accident. They in substantial reality part of greater jurisdiction of Christ, administered by Pope and should be left for him to deal with. And Pope can also use Aristotelian methods to show his policy and that of his predecessor in dealing with such priests is just. Former Cardinal Hans Hermann Groer in Austria may look like he a serial abuser of children. But that is superficial accident. As reactionary defender of faith and close ally of John Paul II he in substance a rock of church authority. His image need protecting, for greater good of church, humanity, and even for the ultimate benefit of boys he abused.

“So combination of immunity from prosecution, illusion of transnational authority and mystical assertions that things are not what they seem make Pope even more powerful than Stalin. And this power last forever. Like Stalin Pope benefit from cult of personality, which reinforce his absolute authority. But absolutist personality cult of papal infallibility is perpetuated by system of apostolic succession where one Stalin – sorry, one Pope – is succeeded by another et nunc et semper et in saecula saeculorum.”

By now, there blood coming out of my ears I struggle so hard understand. But fortunately I think it over. But incredibly and to my profound annoyment Yuri not only follow Arkady speech but has question. “So instead of mock Catholicism, maybe Stalin should have invite Pope to Moscow and given him Order of Lenin?”

“Quite so,” say Arkady. “Indeed strategic alliance between atheistical materialist Soviet system and God-fearing Vatican might have been very powerful force and even have saved Communist system. So UK right to welcome Pope, especially as he about to bring great blessings.”

“What do you mean?” ask Yuri.

“Well Pope will use visit to beatify Cardinal Newman. Newman was 19th Century Oxford Movement conservative in Church of England. But when he convert to Catholicism he write famous defence of liberal education. As half-conservative, half-liberal he perfect symbol of ConLib Coalition. But he also show which side of Coalition will hold sway. As ivory tower figure he removed from realities of most people’s lives, preoccupied with abstruse questions of dogma and write almost nothing about traditional Christian concern – at least among counter-cultural insurgents like Franciscans or Jesus himself – of helping poor. This preponderance of elitism and reaction in his personality not just make him perfect for beatification by traditionalist Benedict. He also symbolise absorption and repression in Coalition of liberal progressivism by dominant Tory ideology. He thus ideal candidate if beatification lead to canonisation to be Patron Saint of Welfare Reform (unless IDS or Osborne die first). Further, he famously involve in dispute with Charles Kingsley over issue of truth. Newman argue that Catholics not always oblige to tell truth. Though he mean Catholics need not tell man with wart on nose how ugly he is, it easy to see how this doctrine of tactically bearing false witness in interest of greater truth could help Popes say things like “We were unaware of extent of abuse in Irish schools” or “We had no idea about die Endlösung der Judenfrage”. Similarly, it useful to Coalition and allow statements like “This Budget is progressive” or “We’re all in this together” to be justifiable falsehoods. Coalition should support beatification and then canonisation of Newman as it will create a saint that even atheistical Nick Clegg could pray to for guidance. And ConLibs will be grateful if Papal visit lead to Catholic conversions. As Napoloen say, rich have religion to thank that poor do not rise up and destroy them.”

It was at this point that I lost consciousness and had two dreams. First was scary. I in audience with Pope at St Peter’s. But he is not Pope. He is dressed in pontificational garbing but is big brown bear. He is defecating on throne of St Peter. He ask me repeatedly “Do bears sh*t in the Vatican? Do bears sh*t in the Vatican? DO BEARS SH*T IN THE VATICAN?” I scream “Nooooo!” and he smile, bless me, then disappear. In second I ascend hand-in-hand into heaven with Olivia Hussey. It turns out to be my kind of heaven. I grateful to Arkady for this...

Posted By: Arizona Bay, Sep 15, 14:46:04