INTERNET NEWS: Pants vs SCC voted ?Shittest Thing in Internet History?

A LONG-RUNNING SPAT between two posters on the Norwich City FC forum ?Wrath of the Barclay? has been scientifically proven to be the s**ttest thing in the 40-year history of the Internet, scientists proved yesterday. The arguments between the users ?Pants? and ?SCC 28?, known to other forum users as ?gay-offs?, began some time during the last decade for reasons unknown to anyone, especially the protagonists.

Scientists attempted to measure the spat by key indicators of pathetic s**tness ? childishness, repetitiveness, low quality of subject matter and linguistic expression ? by feeding the years of arguments into a computer. However, the computer committed suicide after processing just three days? worth of ?gay-offs?, when the programmer informed it that there were at least five years? more content to wade through.

?We thought it would be fine to just let the computer get on with it?, said programmer Mathieu Peter-Thorne. ?But when we came back there was just a smouldering mess where the machine had been, and a note that read, ?10 PRINT ?BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM?, 20 GOTO 10, RUN?. There were silicon chips and the charred remains of Jet Set Willy everywhere, it was horrible. How the f**k does a computer top itself, anyway??

Internet inventor Tim Berners-Lee was given transcripts of the ?gay-offs? in an attempt to replace the mechanised judges with humans, who were all assigned counsellors. After reading just one of the arguments, Berners-Lee immediately called for the World Wide Web to be uninvented, and replaced with a fluffy, shiny stick.

?If I?d have known my invention would have been used to facilitate endless exchanges of ?You?re a c**t? and ?In your opinion?, I wouldn?t have f**king bothered?, said Berners-Lee. ?On the plus side, I?ve passed printed transcripts on to NASA, who are going to fire them into space in the hope of persuading aliens that the Earth isn?t worth invading.?

The ?gay-offs? were eventually named The Shittest Thing in Internet History ahead of Funny Look Gopher, the Tories? ?Cash Gordon? hashtag, and a Usenet discussion in which two users have compared each other to Hitler twice a week since 1991. Prime Minister Gordon Brown commented, ?Are those two still arguing about Glenn Roeder? Fucking hellfire.?

The responses of the two protagonists to the news differed greatly. ?Pants? gave a lengthy statement explaining why he was refusing to give a statement. ?SCC 28? simply stated ?FFS? and ?EPIC?, before returning to his lifelong work of annoying faceless usernames on a website. The gay-offs are expected to continue until at least 2067, by which time they are expected to eclipse Richard Blackwood?s Say My Name as the single most embarrassing episode in several thousand years of cultural history.

Posted By: This is the News, Mar 26, 13:38:43