Friday Fun

Brit Humour

Complaints from Council House Owners. These are genuine clips from council
complaint letters:

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped
and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are
plain
filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.

A Spot of British Humour as reported in the newspaper...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,
a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the
time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked
him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have
a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover
off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do
her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in
the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube drivers have made to their
passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I
know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be
married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the
Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E
& B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside.
I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -- I'm going home...."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to
the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the
pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door
before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

Posted By: Tony Martin, Jan 29, 13:53:56