Here's how you do it

Toss off some pancetta, drool in seven f**king lugs of your second best extra virgin and a f**king slug of your worst ultra slut sunflower oil, f**king 2.3ml oak-aged balsamic, whatever the f**k's under your f**king fingernails, half a f**king artichoke bottom, the middle of three f**king bits of asparagus (you can use the cutoffs for f**king soup) and beat into a pulp. Add five handfuls of f**king jasmine-scented basmati and two pints yak milk.

Ignite a can of petrol and run away very fast.

Whip three eggs together with five ounces of Hornby double-oh flour, two handfuls of f**king muscovado sugar, rip up some f**king basil (don't put it in though), squeeze tomatoes through your fingers, add a small dead mouse (ideally hung for a few days to develop the flavour) being sure to cut its f**king clogs off first, then roll it all through the pasta machine, and Bob would be your Auntie if he didn't have f**king balls.

Simples!

Posted By: Jamie Oliver, Jun 18, 17:22:01