Couple of giggles, if you fancy

I've just been rooting through my email subfolders looking for something that I can't find, and found these. I've posted them before so they're definitely WW2, but still worth a rerun IMHO......

=====================

i)-----
Actual broadcast on CNN 24th March......!!

3 yank experts including a former 2-star general from Delta Force, and ex SAS man and the network's anchor.

Footage running of Iraqis giving themselves up.

Anchor: `We have no verification as of yet if they are British or American troops taking these POW's`

Yank1: `Only Americans wear boots like that, they're American`

Yank 2: `I agree, and they appear to have American camouflage jackets.`

Yank 3 (Delta Force bloke): `I'm not so sure, there's not enough up-close detail to tell 100%, we'd need some close images to tell make of boots and jackets and maybe the shape of their kevlar headgear.`

Ex SAS man: `Call yourselves experts? Since when did US forces use an SA80 as a standard issue rifle? Their DPM's can be bought as can boots so you're chasing rainbows if you want to identify them from their clothes.`

Anchor: `I think you're right.`

Ex SAS man: `Course I'm bloody right. Any one with half a brain and basic military training worth their salt should be able to identify a British soldier by his rifle. Not to mention the fact they're covering all points properly, not shouting `woo yeah` randomly, and haven't raised a flag in direct contravention with orders.`

At this point 1 of the yanks walks off stage tearing his mic off, and the anchor says `I think we can safely say the soldiers on your screen are British. Now for these messages`.

===============

ii)
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well,
here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American
University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting
to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and
then add
another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a
third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what
has
been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is
to be
absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on
the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
--------------------------------------------------------------
STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that
he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her
mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile
was out
of
the question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think
about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom
he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation
17, he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established.
No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a
bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his
ship's
cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across
the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointlesst hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress
Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read
in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days
had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television
to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful
things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a
woman?"
she pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the
first
of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who
pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the
congress had
left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of
the
treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower
to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered
the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile
submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive
explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em
out of
the
sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have
chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA??? Oh
no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get f**ked.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Eat s**t.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(Teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one

Posted By: Suggy, Aug 16, 22:48:00