Oh I can't find it, can I.

Never mind. Have this instead:

ONE LUIS BOA MORTE, THEY'VE ONLY BEEN FINED ONE LUIS BOA MORTE

It's Friday, so let's dispense with the lame gags, predictable puns and tucking ferrible Spoonerisms you've come to know and loathe and instead get straight down to the pub ... sorry, straight down to the facts: last summer West Ham knowingly cheated. When they stunned the world by signing Argentinian stars Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano from Corinthians, they insisted the deal was above aboard despite knowing full well they were violating rule U18 of the Premier League - that's right, the one that forbids players from having contracts with third parties who could "materially influence" football matters.

As the independent Premier League commission said today: "[West Ham] knew that the only means by which they could acquire [the players] would be by entering into the third party contracts. Equally, they were aware that the FAPL, at the very least, may not - and in all probability would not - have approved of such contracts. They were determined to keep their existence from the FAPL."

By hiding this fact they broke yet another rule, B13, which demands that clubs act with "the utmost good faith" towards the authorities. And they would have got away with it too if Mascherano hadn't then moved to an honest club - Liverpool, who unwittingly exposing the Hammers' deceit by showing the league all the relevant documentation. Once rumbled, West Ham, who were by then under new ownership, admitted their guilt - and were today hit with a record £5.5m fine.

Crucially, however, they escaped a points deduction, which means they may still keep their lucrative place in the Premiership. And if they do survive, a club that didn't knowingly smuggle two internationals into the league will have to be demoted instead. Justice? Well, it is according to West Ham. "Promotion and relegation should be decided on the pitch", a club suit staggered, neglecting to add: "unless the pitch is full of players who've no right to be there".

True, today's hearing also decreed that Tevez can't play again for West Ham until a legitimate arrangement is made but that doesn't address the reality that the Hammers would surely already be down if the Argentinian goleador hadn't been excelling for them recently, weighing in with four goals, two assists and more energy and enthusiasm than the rest of the claret-and-blue-clad slackers put together. If they survive, his contribution will have been decisive. And bearing in mind that the new TV deal means that a place in next season's top flight is worth at least £30m, which is, by the Fiver's admittedly crude reckoning, a hell of a lot more than £5.5m, it's tempting to conclude that Gangsta' Fiver was right all along: crime pays.

Posted By: Arizona Bay on July 3rd 2007 at 15:05:52

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