Inoffensive office communication

It has been brought to the Management Committee?s attention that some individuals have been using foul and abusive language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the more sensitive staff, this type of language can no longer be tolerated. However, the Committee realises the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. To this end, the Committee has compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offence to our more easily offended employees. The phrases are as follows:

OLD PHRASE
Absolutely no f**king chance
NEW PHRASE
I?m fairly sure that?s not feasible

OLD PHRASE
You lying s**t
NEW PHRASE
Are you quite sure about that

OLD PHRASE
Tell someone who gives a f**k
NEW PHRASE
Have you informed the management about that

OLD PHRASE
It?s got f**k all to do with me
NEW PHRASE
I don?t think I was involved in that project

OLD PHRASE
Shove a brush up my arse and I?ll sweep the f**king floor as well.
NEW PHRASE
Would you like me to do that for you as well?

OLD PHRASE
Am I the only t**t here?
NEW PHRASE
Would someone else care to answer the telephone?

OLD PHRASE
You haven?t got a f**king clue
NEW PHRASE
Perhaps you need a little more training in this

OLD PHRASE
This place has gone to rat s**t
NEW PHRASE
The office is looking a little untidy

OLD PHRASE
Eat s**t and die motherf**ker
NEW PHRASE
I think I told you this would happen

OLD PHRASE
You overpaid s**t for brains
NEW PHRASE
You?re my boss and I respect that

OLD PHRASE
Fuck off smart arse
NEW PHRASE
Well-done

OLD PHRASE
She?s a ball-busting b***h
NEW PHRASE
She?s a full time career woman

OLD PHRASE
Get out of my face, dog breath
NEW PHRASE
I don?t think I require your assistance

OLD PHRASE
Raving f**king arse bandit
NEW PHRASE
He?s very much in touch with his feminine side

OLD PHRASE
Who the f**k are you?
NEW PHRASE
Are you new here?

OLD PHRASE
No f**ker told me
NEW PHRASE
I wasn?t given that piece of information

OLD PHRASE
What sort of clueless f**k wit are you?
NEW PHRASE
You haven?t done this before, have you?

OLD PHRASE
You?ve made a right cock-up of that
NEW PHRASE
It?s the sort of mistake anyone could make

OLD PHRASE
I?m dying for a s**t
NEW PHRASE
I?m going to wash my hands

OLD PHRASE
Its f**ked
NEW PHRASE
It?s broken but I think I can fix it

OLD PHRASE
It?s completely f**ked
NEW PHRASE
It?s broken beyond repair

OLD PHRASE
Fuck off
NEW PHRASE
I?d like to be alone for a while if you don?t mind

Posted By: Old Git on September 18th 2006 at 15:14:43

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