That nice Mr Hilter?

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'A SMALL BOARDING HOUSE IN MINEHEAD, SOMERSET'

Mr and Mrs Johnson, a typical holidaying bourgeois couple walk up to the front door and ring the bell. Inside the boarding house, the landlady goes up to the front door and opens it.
Landlady Hello, Mr and Mrs Johnson?
Mr Johnson That's right. Yes.
Landlady Well come on in, excuse me not shaking hands, I've just been putting a bit of lard on the cat's boil.
Johnson Very nice.
Landlady Well you must be tired, it's a long way from Coventry, isn't it?
Johnson Well, we usually reckon on five and a half hours and it took us six hours and fifty-three minutes, with the twenty-five minute stop at Frampton Cottrell to stretch our legs, only we had to wait half an hour to get onto the M5 at Droitwich.
Landlady Really?
Johnson Then there was a three mile queue just before Bridgewater on the A38. We usually come round on the B3339 just before Bridgewater, you see...
Landlady Really?
Johnson Ye, but this time we decided to risk it because they're always saying they're going to widen it there.
Landlady Are they?
Johnson Yes well just by the intersection, there where the A372 joins up, there's plenty of room to widen it there, there's only grass verges. They could get another six feet...knock down that hospital... Then we took the coast road through Williton and got all the Taunton traffic on the A358 from Crowcombe and Stogumber...
Landlady Well you must be dying for a cup of tea.
Johnson Well, wouldn't say no, not if it's warm and wet.
Landlady Well come on in the lounge, I'm just going to serve afternoon tea.
Johnson (following her into the lounge) Very nice.
In the lounge are sitting another bourgeois couple Mr and Mrs Phillips.
Landlady Come on in, Mr and Mrs Johnson, oh this is Mr and Mrs Phillips.
Mr Phillips Good afternoon.
Johnson Thank you.
Landlady It's their third time here with us, we can't keep you away can we? Ha, ha, and over here is Mr Hilter.
Landlady leads Mr and Mrs Johnson over to a table at which Adolf Hitler is sitting poring over a map. He is in full Nazi uniform. Himmler and Von Ribbentrop are also sitting at the table with him, Himmler in Nazi uniform and von Ribbentrop in evening dress, with an Iron Cross.
Hitler Ach. Good time...good afternoon.
Landlady Ooh planning a little excursion are we Mr Hilter?
Hitler Ja, ja. We haff a little... (to others) Was ist r?ckweise bewegen?
Von Ribbentrop Hike.
Himmler Hiking.
Hitler Ah yes, ve make a little hike for, for Bideford.
Johnson (leaning over map) Oh well, you'll want the A39 then...no, no, you've got the wrong map there, this is Stalingrad, you want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section.
Hitler Ah! Hein...Reginald you have the wrong map here you silly old leg-before-wicket English person.
Himmler I'm sorry mein Fuhrer. I did not...(Hitler slaps him) Mein Dickie old chum.
Landlady Lucky Mr Johnson pointed that out, eh? You wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you...(they don't see the joke) I said, you wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you, ha, ha, ha?
Hitler (through clenched teeth) Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.
Landlady Oh I'm sorry I didn't introduce you. This is Ron...Ron Vibbentrop.
Johnson Oh, not Von Ribbentrop, eh?
Von Ribbentrop (leaping two feet in the air, then realizing) Nein! Nein! Nein! Oh!! Ha, ha, ha.
Landlady And this is the quiet one, Mr Bimmler - Heimlich Bimmler.
Himmler How do you do there squire, also I am not Minehead lad but I in Peterborough, Lincolnshire was given birth to, but stay in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all during war, owing to nasty running sores, and was unable to go in the streets play football or go to N?rnberg. I am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes (hurriedly corrects himself) tch tch tch, and am glad England win World Cup - Bobby Charlton, Martin Peters - and eating lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads, and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly line. Don't you know old chap I was head of Gestapo for ten years. Five years! No, no, nein, I was not head of Gestapo at all...I make joke.
Landlady Oooh, Mr Bimmler, you do have us on. (A telephone rings) Oh excuse me I must go and answer that. (leaves the room)
Johnson How long are you down here for, Mr Hilter. Just the fortnight?
Hitler (shouting) Why do you ask that? Are you a spy or something? (drawing revolver) Get over there against the wall Britischer pig, you're going to die!
Von Ribbentrop og Himmler grab Hitler and calm him.
Himmler Take it easy Dickie old chum.
Von Ribbentrop I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, he's a bit on edge. He hasn't slept since 1945.
Hitler Shut your cake hole you Nazi.
Von Ribbentrop Cool it F?hrer cat!
Himmler Ha, ha, ha. (laughing it off) The fun we have.
Johnson Haven't I seen him on the television?
Von Ribbentrop and Himmler Nicht. Nein. Nein, oh no.
Johnson Television Doctor?
Von Ribbentrop No!!! No!
The landlady enters.
Landlady Telephone, Mr Hilter, it's that nice Mr McGoering from the Bell and Compasses. He says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour.
Hitler If he opens his big mouth again...it's lampshade time!
Von Ribbentrop (controlling Hitler and getting him towards the door) Shut up! (Hitler exits) Hire bombers by the hour, ha ha, what a laugh he is, that Scottish person. Good old Norman. (he exits)
Landlady He's on the phone the whole time nowadays.
Johnson In business is he?
Himmler Soon baby!
Landlady Of course it's his big day Thursday. Oh, they've been planning it for months.
Johnson What's happens then?
Landlady Well it's the North Minehead bye-election. Mr Hilter's standing as the National Bocialist candidate. He's got wonderful plans for Minehead.
Johnson Like what?
Landlady Well, for a start he wants to annex Poland.
Johnson Oh, North Minehead's Conservative, isn't it?
Landlady Well, they get a lot of people at their rallies.
Johnson Rallies?
Landlady Well, their Bocalist meetings, down at the Axis Caf? in Rosedale Road.
Cut to a grotty Italian caf?. Sign above it read 'Axis Caf?, Italian Food a Specialty'. A figure clearly belonging to Mussolini is nailing up a sign or poster which reads: 'Vote for Hitler'. He looks around and goes into the caf? furtively. At this moment past the caf? come Hitler, Von Ribbentrop and Himmler on bikes. Hitler at the front shouting German through a megaphone. Von Ribbentrop at the back with a large banner 'Hilter for a better Meinhead'. Himmler in the middle with an old grammophone playing 'Deutschland ?ber Alles'.
Cut to Hitler ranting in German on a balcony with Himmler at his side. Beneath them is a Nazi flag.
Hitler I am not a racialist, but, und this is a big but, we in the National Bocialist Party believe das ?berleben muss gestammen sein mit der schneaky Armstrong-Jones. Historische Taunton ist Volkermeinig von Meinhead.
Himmler (stepping forward) Mr Hitler, Hilter, he says that historically Taunton is a part of Minehead already.
Shot of a yokel looking disbelievingly at balcony. Von Ribbentrop appears behind.
Von Ribbentrop He's right, do you know that?
Meanwhile back on the balcony.
Hitler (very exited) Und Bridgwater ist die letzte F?hlung das wir haben in Somerset!
Over this we hear loud applause and 'Sieg Heils'. The yokel, who is not applauding, turns round rather surprised to see whence cometh the applause. He sees Von Ribbentrop operating a grammophone.
Cut to vox pops.

Posted By: InTheAbsenceOfAHorse on September 1st 2006 at 13:59:57

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