The Fiver on West Ham

"David Sullivan is a tough man to love. He dresses like a sun-dried Stalin. He's got the man-management skills of a frisbee. He wants to see the return of Norks on Sunday. He's friends with David Gold. And, after relegation with West Ham, he wants a return to chest-beating, badge-kissing, half-time-riot-act-reading, teacup-smashing Englishness in the Hammers dugout.

"I think we will definitely get an English manager, or a British manager," roared Sullivan today, crushing the hopes of Guus Hiddink, Marcello Lippi and co. "We do need someone who understands the culture and if you get someone with a knowledge of the East End that's so much better."

Quite why knowledge of the East End is such an advantage is not clear. Perhaps the new man will be expected to drive the team bus home from away games. Maybe he'll be expected to source an appropriate pie-and-mash shop for executive lunches. Could it be that future team-talks will be conducted only in rhyming slang? Either way, Barbara Windsor, Ray Winstone, Dick Turpin, Harold Pinter, Eric Bristow, Danny Dyer, Max Bygraves, the Kray twins, Dizzee Rascal, Samantha Fox, Private Joe Walker, Vera Lynn, Dirty Den and the rest of Albert Square have all had their odds slashed with bookies.

It's the nonsensical managerial trend a la mode ex-players or fans-turned-pros seem magnetically propelled to the top of any shortlist, as if a couple of seasons at the club as a player makes a manager a better manager specifically for that club, or as if standing on the terraces as a lad could somehow help the man in the technical area bring the best out of Luis Boa Morte. West Ham are far from the only club guilty of this muddled geographically-based thinking (although it's hard to imagine Yeovil desperate to appoint "someone with a knowledge of the Houndstone Business Park" or Chesterfield keen to find "someone with a knowledge of the Unstone-Dronfield Bypass").

"We will wait to see who applies and wait to see what happens generally," Sullivan added, "but it will be resolved within two weeks, I should think." Chris Hughton is the current favourite, the fact that he was born a couple of miles away from Upton Park making him the ideal man to lead this shambolic egg-stained hobo of a football club in the Championship next season. Obviously.

Of course, Sullivan has more pressing matters to deal with - namely last night's brawl at West Ham's end-of-season dinner at London's not-as-trendy-as-you'd-think Grosvenor House Hotel. Reports suggested the fracas started when Demba Ba refused to sign an autograph [surely wouldn't have taken him long - Fiver Ed], which led to smashed plates, glasses and a melee between players and fans. According to Sullivan, however, "the whole incident has been blown out of all proportion. It was one individual that had too much to drink, sadly a problem in British society. A player was racially abused by the same drunken supporter which is totally unacceptable. Sadly one drunken supporter has let the club down." He wouldn't be the only person involved with the club to do so this season."

I'm taking much more pleasure in the whole West Ham thing than I should be. Can't help it though - just have to give in to it.

Posted By: Tricky Hawes on May 17th 2011 at 17:09:24

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