do they do one every year?

or is it the same email like this?

Comedy moments from the fringe:

>> >Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died... Surely Dido's looking a
>> >bit worried.
>> >- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but
>> >I
>>was
>> >never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me
>> >to
>>sleep
>> >at night.
>> >- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
>> >
>> >I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He
>>looked
>> >a million dollars... he's really let himself go...
>> >- Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon
>> >
>> >Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
>> >people were given pointed sticks?
>> >- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton
>> >when I
>>was
>> >two,'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw@t.
>> >- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
>> >
>> >Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound
>> >people.
>> >- David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon
>> >
>> >I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because
>> >I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
>>something
>> >funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
>> >- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
>> >
>> >A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She
>>said,
>> >"Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
>> >right,
>>but
>> >we won't get much done."
>> >- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
>> >
>> >We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's
>> >called jail.
>> >- Colin Ramone at The Stand
>> >
>> >I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't
>>work
>> >out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have
>> >you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look
>> >or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she
>> >checked on her computer and said:
>> >"Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
>> >- Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon
>> >
>> >I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
>> >- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
>> >
>> >They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if
>> >you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
>> >- Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent
>> >most of our family holidays in Customs.
>> >- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
>> >
>> >Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
>> >its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself
>> >that they're enjoying it as well.
>> >- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
>> >thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
>> >- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
>> >
>> >You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
>>because
>> >eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
>> >And
>>you
>> >murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
>> >- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
>> >
>> >The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
>> >punched someone in the face.
>> >- Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh at the Trap
>> >
>> >Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
>> >- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
>> >
>> >My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
>>botox.
>> >The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
>> >- Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
>> >thought
>>the
>> >obvious one was "Shout For Help".
>> >- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
>> >
>> >I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take
>> >the
>>girl
>> >out of Cork...
>> >- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
>> >
>> >When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't
>> >bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go.
>> >There was
>>no
>> >one looking for space.
>> >- Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
>> >
>> >Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
>> >Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
>> >- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it
>> >out lads, we've all had a drink".
>> >- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
>> >
>> >A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
>> >The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
>> >join
>>the
>> >circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a
>> >plumber".
>> >- Steven Alan Green at C34
>> >
>> >I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or
>> >bi
>>but
>> >I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
>> >- Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both
>> >a winner and a loser at the same time.
>> >- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
>> >
>> >I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me
>> >things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex
>> >he liked to
>>pee
>> >on people. That put me right off him.
>> >- Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand
>> >
>> >Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a
>> >kettle
>>and
>> >a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
>> >- Seymour Mace at Caf? Royal
>> >
>> >An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an
>>Egyptian
>> >princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
>> >- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
>> >
>> >Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
>> >- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big
>> >sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a
>> >try... What
>>a
>> >rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
>> >- Seymour Mace at Caf? Royal
>> >
>> >I like the Ten Commandments but have a problem with the ninth. It
>> >should
>> >be: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox" - except in scrabble
>> >- David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon
>> >
>> >I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
>> >already
>>got
>> >one!"
>> >- Norman Lovett at The Stand
>> >
>> >It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
>> >- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
>>very
>> >good at it.
>> >- Arnold Brown at The Stand
>> >
>> >If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a
>> >tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of
>> >fire. They're trained for that
>> >- Milton Jones at the Underbelly
>> >
>> >Am I really the brains behind The Office? Put it this way, I was
>> >signing copies of the script in Waterstones the other day. They
>> >threw me out. It appears that you're meant to get permission first.
>> >- Robin Ince (who appeared in The Office) at the Underbelly
>> >
>> >The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
>> >arm bears.
>> >- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not
>>religious,
>> >but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really
>>means
>> >is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
>> >- Colin Ramone at The Stand
>> >
>> >Two blind fellows walk into a wall. Lee Mack at the Assembly Rooms
>> >
>> >50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
>> >- Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance
>> >
>> >I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
>> >- Nice Mum, at the Underbelly
>> >
>> >I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign:
>> >"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
>> >- Arnold Brown at The Stand
>> >
>> >How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? Just Bono...
>>he
>> >holds it and the world revolves around him. - Al Pitcher at the
>>Underbelly

Posted By: pants on August 31st 2005 at 15:56:42

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