* * * THE FOXTROT REPORT * * * (WARNING: Long, and probably not of any interest)

THE FOXTROT REPORT

ESBJERG 0 RANDERS 1 (AET) (11 May 2006)

ESBJERG: Lars Winde; Frank Hansen, Anders M?ller Chritensen (Kolja Afriyie '86), Lars Christian Nielsen, Martin Jensen; Micha?l Murcy (Lasse Kryger '67), Niki Zimling, Jerry Lucena, Anders N?hr (Andreas Klarstr?m '80); Njogu Demba-Nyr?n, Fredrik Berglund.
RANDERS: Martin Jensen; S?ren Pedersen, Ralf Pedersen, John Sandberg; Stig T?fting; Jonas Damborg (Alex da Silva '71), Rasmus Hansen, Kenneth M?ller Pedersen, Carsten Fredgaard (S?ren Holdgaard '110); Karsten Johansen, Lars Larsen (Jesper Christiansen '77).

So, my final game of the season is not Norwich City's underwhelming 7th Place Play-Off against filthy Wolves, or any of England's exhortations in the World Cup, but ? all too predictably ? the Danish Cup Final.

This year, Second Division champions Randers FC had fought their way to the final, coming up against Esbjerg, whom (to my immense disappointment) had knocked out Michael Laudrup's Br?ndby in the semi-finals. So, unlike the English Cup Final which results in a Champions League qualifier beating a mid-rank Premiership team 1 or 2-0 EVERY bloody season, here were two teams with a great chance of winning a rare piece of silverware.

Tickets for the Cup Final, in one of Europe's most expensive capitals cost DK218, around ten pounds less than the THIRTY POUNDS I spunked up the wall watching the utter s**te served up by Norwich City in Crystal Palace's stinking bomb crater of a ?ground?.

Entering the ground, it was clear that I in with the Esbjerg fans, who were in good spirits. They had a number of catchy chants (translated below). My favourites were ?Na na, na na na na, na na na na, Esbjerg? (1) and ?Du hat lort jobs, du sh?g du hunds, und du hustrus es luder? (2). Another inspired composition was ?T?fting ? lort!? (3). The ground was only half-full ? the attendance was around 23,000 in a 40,000 seater stadium ? perhaps because in Denmark, the two top clubs (FCK and Br?ndby) attract the lion's share of support, leaving the smaller clubs to fight for fans.

The Danish national anthem was a delight ? I surprised myself to find that I knew all the words, which were largely about Vikings, the existentialist philosophy of S?ren Kierkegaard and buxom Scandinavian women. Attracting the attention of the crowd, I yelled ?I'm English!?, making me a hero to both sets of fans, who instantly launched into a chant of ?Sidde, du pretenti?s Engelske tw?t? (4).

I knew very few of the players. Norwich had been linked with Esbjerg's star man Fredrik Berglund, before dropping their interest on finding out that he could trap the ball, and that he was Mattias Jonson's understudy in the Sweden squad. Randers' players were also mostly unfamiliar ? Carsten Fredgaard had a brief spell at Sunderland, making all of one substitute appearance, but the big name was Stig T?fting, the notorious midfield enforcer, Hell's Angel who had, in his time, spent a brief stretch inside and, even worse, played for Bolton. Some sleuthing on my part discovered that Randers' Jesper Christiansen had a brief, dismal spell with Kidderminster Harriers before they dropped out of the League. Fantastic.

The bastard referee was also familiar to me. Kim Milton Nielsen was the man who sent off David Beckham at France '98, being entirely fooled by Diego Simeone's pathetiic fall after Beckham accidentally brushed him with his foot. English scientists have proved that Nielsen cost England the World Cup, as we would surely have beaten an Argentinian team full of funny-hsired wops with eleven men, before easily beating the Orange-loving, clog-wearing, Pim Fortuyn-shooting Dutch team, brushing aside Brazil in the semi-final and then easily beating the cheese-eating surrender monkeys in front of their own fans ? their team had no strikers and was obviously s**t.

Before I start commenting on the game itself, I'd like to point out that I was there and you weren't, meaning my opinions are inherently superior to yours, you bunch of c**ts, and if any of you try to express any sort of thought on this match whatsoever, gleaned from television, newspaper reports or mere heresay, I will strive to humiliate and ultimately destroy using whatever means necessary.

The game itself was unspectacular. Randers set out to stifle Berglund, and their skilful striker Demba-Nyr?n (whose website can be found here ? User Posted Link ? check out the Musical Youth-esque pic!). Esbjerg looked better on the ball ? unsurprisingly, given that they were the top division side, but were unable to break Randers down. T?fting, nearly 37, frequently broke up the play, although his distribution wasn't good enough to help Randers string together genuinely threatening moves on the break.

Randers forced a good save from Esbjerg 'keeper Lars Winde, who tipped over the bar from a header ? that was the best chance of the first half. The Randers fans were in better voice, despite being completely outnumbered ? perhaps the complacency of the Esbjerg team had silenced their fans.

At half-time, a David Nielsen look-a-like entertained the crowd with ball skills (such as trapping and passing) of which Nielsen could have only dreamed. He was followed by the worst cheerleaders I have ever seen, recalling the 15 minutes of pure, eyeball-gouging agony I spent at the play-off final in 2002, watching talentless, toneless f**kwit non-entities Atomic Kitten mime their way through three soulless, meritless ?songs?. Disregarding chereography, timing or even the most basic hand-to-eye co-ordination (and, I suspect, rehearsal) the cheerleaders flopped about the pitch Robbie Keane-style and then shambled off the pitch.

Esbjerg started the second half better, according their Second Division opponents (managed by Lars Olsen, one of the key members of Denmark's Euro '92 side) more respect. Demba-Nyr?n showed some skill, playing some incisive passes and holding the ball up well, but he missed a couple of decent chances (for a big man, he showed a Crouch-like reluctance to head the ball, but he did have a surprisingly good touch). After dominating Randers for thirty minutes, Esbjerg were riled by a typically ?combative? challenge by T?fting, who was booked by cheating, xenophobic, England-hating referee Milton Nielsen.

Randers rallied at the end of normal time, hitting the post towards the end. On balance, they had shaded the game so far, eking out the better chances even if Esbjerg looked more skilful. Extra-time followed the same pattern ? Esbjerg contiued to look poorly prepared, psychologically, failing to break down Randers' stubborn resistance.

The deadlock was finally broken with just five minutes to go ? sadly, I thought, as a penalty shoot-out would have provided some much-needed excitement, Karsten Johansen broke through the Esbjerg defence and rolled a shot under Lars Winde, which seemed to take an age to actually reach the net. The stupid bastard, who had already been booked, took off his shirt in celebration, leaving petty, card-happy, rule-book-obsessed referee Milton Nielsen no option but to send him off.

This did nothing to dampen the mood of the Randers fans, though, who burst into songs such as ?Randers!? (5). The underdogs held on for the win, adding the Danish Cup to their Second Division triumph, Stig T?fting's celebrations being quite something to behold. The Esbjerg fans, gracious in defeat, mostly stayed to congratulate their opponents, who earned themselves a chance to get knocked out of the UEFA Cup by some wealthy Western European team who doubtless will have already failed in the Champions League, only to find that their financial status earns them at least one more chance to get into Europe.

Lars Olsen for (Norwich) manager!

TRANSLATION OF DANISH FOOTBALL CHANTS:

(1)Na na, na na na na, na na na na, Hey Jude
(2)You've got s**t jobs, you shag your dogs, and your wives are on the game.
(3)Stig T?fting's understanding of the Marxist dialectic is superficial at best.
(4)I have no idea what this means.
(5)On the ball Randers, never mind the danger, steady on, now's your chance, Hurrah! We've scored!

Posted By: Ottosson Foxtrot on May 12th 2006 at 10:02:59

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